It was week 15 and our Thursday Crit-session was drawing closer… “Why was I nervous?”, you ask. Well, perhaps because I had been reading too many articles and publications in search of information that would start to echo the voices that are trying to find a way out of my heart and into the world. Searching, reading, searching and thinking, thinking and thinking! I was tired and needed to untangle and sift through all the research I had been doing. I was spending too much time researching and not enough time in the studio (partly because it was still to be unpacked from boxes after moving house). There is also an excitement though. It has felt a bit like a treasure hunt at times as I search and discover these gems along that way. So challenging and stimulating and good!
After I finally unpacked and organised my studio, I tried to get ready to create. As I looked at all the information I was gathering I realised that my problem was not that I was unmotivated but rather that my HOW was still a bit vague and distant. The most authentic thing I could think of doing, was to just start a journaling and drawing again. Putting my thoughts down in this Research Journal is of course also a wonderful exercise in itself, but I felt that I needed a physical, more personal journal as well. I knew that I needed to journal (long hand) and sketch to untangle my mind. I use to journal daily when I was younger, but since I had my second child, I kind of stopped and lost the habit. I remember what a lifeline it was to journal and just write and draw whatever was in my mind daily. It was like I was decluttering my mind and as I wrote, it was as if I sometimes found the answers and clarity I was looking for. It was time to start again. It also felt right to combine this with my research seeing that I was researching the concept of ‘home’ as a sense of place and particularly the inner landscape as ‘home’ to my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Perhaps the journal had a key part to play on this MA journey? What could I call such a journal? An Artists-/Self-/Personal-/Inner landscape Journal?
I took some A5 handmade paper that I bought during a recent trip in the UK. I felt inspired to make my own journal. I decided to paint some of the paper in a watercolour wash after I prepped it with acrylic gesso and stitched them all together with some of my son’s leather tools.
The buzzing sensation of cortisol in my bloodstream ceased and I felt inspired, excited and full of anticipation. I felt that I could stop striving and just start journalling and expressing in the pages of my new little book. I knew that this was a significant part of this MA journey that was unfolding.
The zoom meeting went well. It was super interesting to see what everyone was busy with. I shared my progress and was able to talk through a few main ideas surrounding my contextual study. It helped so much to be ‘forced’ to talk through my ideas again, because they seem to become more clear and defined each time. After showing the little journal that I put together, it was wonderful to get some feedback from my peers and from Caroline.
Some of the feedback that stuck to my mind was. Lisa who mentioned Frida Khalo as I relate to her in terms if how she used herself as a subject matter and her focus on her body (how she felt trapped in it – referring to a body as a ‘home’). Caroline mentioned that she really liked my idea of a journal and that the journal in itself can be seen as a sort of ‘home’. It has an exterior and an interior and contents. Blair’s feedback was that the journal could also serve as the artwork itself. I will have to think about that a bit more…
“Once writing becomes an act of listening instead of an act of speech, a great deal of the ego goes out of it.”
― Julia Cameron, The Right to Write: An Invitation and Initiation Into the Writing Life